real.

SAM_1030

This is what we saw when we opened the curtains this morning.  Getting kids to school in this rain is tough and I was so grateful that grandma and grandad helped me out picked the girls up.  The Husband is based at home this week (to sleep) but is out of the house to Liverpool before I wake up.  So I’m super happy to be in my PJs in my warm house, sitting with ice on my back.

I read on another blog that (I don’t know the source) Some poll/research looked at American women’s mental health and it concluded that one of the contributing factors to their low self esteem and depression was…blogs!! Apparently they read blogs, all rosy and full of organised perfection and compare their lives to this.  It made me more determined to whine and vent as much as sharing some great stuff I’ve learnt and experienced.  I want to bring the good the bad and the ugly to the table.

Sometimes we think we’re the only ones struggling with something so it must be something to do with us. In reality there a gazillions of people facing the same thing. Sometimes just being reminded of this can help. A bit like when you see another child taking a tantrum in the supermarket and you’re relieved and encouraged that that (a) its not just your children that do that and (b) its not you that has to deal with that right now. 

No-one’s life is rosy and perfect.  There’s always some amount of disorganisation, relational problems, personal disasters, tragedy and mess.  There’s always some mess.  As I mum I feel like I’m constantly battling against mess.

Last week The Husband was away Sunday to Thursday.  If my back was not as weak and causing so much pain, this would have been much easier – but it was so if I’m honest it was really tough.  When the girls were home I kept asking them to help me keep the house tidy.  They’re 4 and 6.  Right now its’ in their DNA to make mess.

Those first two mornings it felt like my girls didn’t listen to a thing I asked them to do.  I had to get ready myself to get them to school so I was having to move them on from another room.  At one point I called the girls upstairs to brush their teeth – and nothing.  After about four times of calling them I went to investigate.  I found Chloe was half dressed and Ruby was walking around with a lamp shade on her head.  Only it was bigger than her head so fell down to her shoulders.  It looked like the lamp shade was her head.

I was stressed and I was crossed. I started telling them off and didn’t finish until we arrived at school in the car.  We were running late and all the children were in the classrooms when we got there. I was stressed and all clammy from rushing. As I walked out of school I immediately felt relieved that the panicked rush was over.  I saw another mum heading towards me with her son in tow, rushing into school. I wanted to hug her and say “You’re me five minutes ago!!”.

All day it was all I could think about.  Yes, they should have helped me out a bit more.  Chloe is old enough to get herself ready for school and in the main she does.  Ruby is old enough to know that lamp shade do not in fact belong on your head.  But I wasn’t reacting to them – I was reacting to my anxiety/stress.  I felt awful about it.

I needed to make it right.  I needed to just love on them.

There’s a little cupcake shop in the village.  Part of me hates paying 1.50 for a cupcake when I could make a whole batch myself – but the girls LOVE it when they get to have a cupcake there.  So on the way to pick them up from school I called in and got some.

We got home, sat on the floor in the living room and I said I was sorry.  And I got the cupcakes out.  It felt good just being mummy and nothing else.  Not hurrying somewhere.  Not stressed about getting something done.  just being mummy, playing dominoes and eating cupcakes (which I reluctantly admit taste amazing).

SAM_0992

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