validation.

I reckon I was an awkward teenager.  Maybe even more self conscious than the average young person.  I would agonise over what other people said about me, and took it for gospel.  I was too shy to enjoy attention at social gatherings but not shy enough to hide behind that role.  I have ALWAYS desperately looked forward to my birthday.  Not because I wanted a top birthday present or a glitzy party but because I got to be a year older.  I’m a summer baby, what can I say?  When you’re a kid, being the youngest in the class sucks.  Fact.

I guess what I’d say is; I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin.  I always wanted to me more…To be less…  I thought that my insecurities would cease with my single years but I carried them through into my years of marriage.

Young adulthood is what you look forward to when you’re a kid.  You’re old enough to live how you like but not old enough to be considered ‘over the hill’.  I look back on my 20s with so many AMAZING memories; I became Mrs Steward, I became a mother, I became a youth worker.  But the nostalgia is tinged with a little sadness that I still took myself so seriously.  How much time did I waste waiting to validate myself?

As I wander into my 30th year I’m starting to feel a little easier with myself and its’ so liberating! My really short hair is growing out and it looks dreadful, but I’m actually pretty indifferent to scraping it back and pretending I in fact look like Zooey Deschanel.  I had NO idea who my pretend-teenage-daughter was talking about half the time today (actors and singers ‘apparently’) – and I was totally cool with just being excited for The Great British Bakeoff.

I just don’t know what it is about age that makes us chill out.  But for me it’s working so I’m not knocking it.  I look at 14 year olds in tiny skirts and no jacket, wondering what on earth they were thinking as they left the house, and then laugh at myself remembering that I was in fact that girl not too long ago who sneered at old people wearing jackets. 

And right now, I’m so happy to be someone wearing a jacket.  We’ve all heard the rumour that 40 is the new 30.  But for me, I have the feeling that 30 is the new 20.

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One thought on “validation.

  1. As soon as I turned the big 3 0 it was as if a huge weight had been lifted and I could finally just be me! It’s silly really almost as if being in your 20’s gives you just as much pressure being a teenager. But alas now it’s time to relax and enjoy being you…. X

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