confessions.

Well I’ve broken into my box of Kit-Kat Chunky peanut butter bars, i have swapped all my stuff from my old purse to my new beautiful green one and I have worn my new shorts (funnily enough, they’re green too).  I woke up this morning feeling so much better so that’s a belated birthday gift in itself.

I was reminded today (totally random thought as well) about a conversation I had with a friend when I was, hmmmmm, about 15.  We met when a load of young people descended on my home church to do a weeks youth mission, and she was L.O.U.D.  I’m talking seriously confident and charismatic.  This conversation happened a little while after we met and she admitted that SHE had felt INTIMIDATED about ME.  Yes, I wrote that right.  Now you need to understand that I am way more confident now that I was as a teen.  I was so shy around new people (ok, maybe I’m not that much more confident now because I still feel like a right lemon around people I don’t know).  So it knocked me for six.

I don’t like the idea of anyone being intimidated by me.  I’m so easily intimidated myself, I know how it feels.  So I’m here to remedy this problem – if anyone else was to be so out of their minds as to feel intimidated by me.  You know when you’re nervous of public speaking you’re supposed to picture the audience naked?  Well don’t you dare picture me naked!! The whole point of that is to make them seem less powerful to you and therefore you can find your confidence (isn’t it awful that it always seems to be a battle of power?! ) And there is no better way to make yourself powerless than to throw confessions onto the table.

So for one night only, here are 5 real and raw confessions.

1. I have no idea what people are going on about when they use the word instagram.  I know it’s something to do with photos but after that you’ve lost me.  When it pops up here and there I just nod and smile.

2. I am petrified a teeny weeny bit afraid of old-school posters.  It doesn’t matter where you go, they’re always staring at you.

3. I cannot add up in my head without using my fingers.

4. Some people think I’m really tough for labouring and giving birth twice with only gas and air but truth is I was too out of it  with the gas and air to ask for anything else.

5. When we hadn’t been going to Emmanuel long, one Sunday morning I came back from the toilet and Rob whispered to me that he had told one of the leader’s I’d do a bible reading later on in the church service.  I was so horrified and self conscious I grabbed the car keys and legged it.  Yes and I’m a paid member of staff now.

So there you are.  five reasons why  not to feel at all intimidated by me.

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caffeine, cake and growing up.

Yesterday was my birthday. Anyone who asked was told I’m still working on perfecting 21.

I was actually unwell, a nice ol’ mixture of back/leg pain, accidentally drinking caffeine and maybe a virus.  It didn’t stop me enjoying a white chocolate and raspberry muffin, shopping for a while with my ma,  and heading out for KidsZone and The Hub in the evening.

There was a serious amount of love floating around the Emmanuel building.  Our young people brought cakes, chocolate, cards and gifts.  The cakes were like a modern day ‘5 loves and two fish’ – people sniffed them out from all over the building and filed in and out to get a slice and at the end of the night there was still half left of each.  A miracle I tell ya.

Had it been anyone else’s birthday I would have filled the post with pictures. But it was mine and so none were taken.  I keep trying to refresh my mental photos because I don’t want to lose them – the kids singing happy birthday, a stolen flower (from one of the vases) tucked in my hair, the looks on the faces of those who handed over gifts and cards, a little girl handing over a ‘birthday medal’ she’d made me. Sigh.

I wouldn’t have wanted to have been anywhere else.  People keep telling us how they appreciate te work we’re going with the kids and young people.  It’s humbling because we kinda feel like frauds.  The fact is it’s us that are grateful to be a part of something that is growing way past the efforts of a brummie boy and a mackem girl.

Gush gush gush and more gush.

So, 29. I need to sit down with a cup of tea and look at this list of mine.  I’ve not thought about it for a while so I dont remember what I’ve done and not done.  I might change it – some of it may not be as important to me as it was a year ago.

We were starting to make plans for a family holiday.  We found one that was perfect and were ready to book  it and send off for passports in the morning.  But when morning came and we were honest with each other, neither of us felt at peace about financial cost. So the decision was made that we wouldn’t go. Uh, I hate being sensible.

29.  I think I might just have turned into a grown up.