choices choices.

Saturday afternoon The Husband took the girls to a soft play so he could get some work done and they’d be happy.  That left me with a couple hours to myself.  I know that sounds a bit weird because I have had a ton of time to myself over the last six months.  It makes me laugh that before October one of my aims to hit before I turn thirty was tohave a whole morning or afternoon to myself.  Little did I know.  But that vast majority of these past six months I’ve been in so much pain  the painkillers have made me really drowsy.  And it’s not much fun enfoying some time to yourself when you’re out of it.

But saturday afternoon I was feeling good (I have been having a couple good days since seeing a new osteopath). I wondered what I could do.

I had not one but two new magazines to peruse and enjoy.

I had a hem to sew on a skirt for Chloe and some bias binding to sew on another little surprise.

I had a million and one things things to organise.  I’m a list person.  A lot of lists needed to be made while it was quiet and I could concentrate.

Or I could just bake.

Actually, the sewing won out, but almost as soon as I started the machine started playing up and for the life of me I dont know what was wrong with it.  I didn’t dare try and fix it so for now it’s out of action.

So with no sewing to be done, it had to be the baking.  I’m not sure this is a wise choice because I’m always left with a mess to clear up and wanting a nice sit down afterwards.  I did try something new though and I baked a Bakewell tart.  Get Me!  No photo yet, I’ll try to grab one before it’s all eaten up.

tortoise.

Yesterday afternoon the girls had been playing in the garden and in between our house and next door’s house.  Once the girls’ friends had gone out th girls were back to being confined to our house and garden.  Us grownups were gettting on with boring grownup jobs and It dawned on me it was very quiet on the Ruby front.  Ruby is rarely quiet so this hits my mummy-radar.  The husband said that she was outside so when I went outside and couldn’t find her, a really uncomfortable knot formed in my tummy.  I started calling her name a little louder.  I called the Husbands name even louder. He is upstairs, insisting that she was playing with Chloe.  Chloe is standing in the hallway with me, sans Ruby.  I go back into the garden again and back into each room downstairs, quickly starting to feel very sick.  Then The Husband calls me.  He doesn’t sound worried anymore so I relax a little.  He tells me to come upstairs.  I do, and find this.

Image

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Sometimes there are no words for Ruby.  I have no idea how long she had been a ‘tortoise’ for.  But I didn’t care, as long as she was a tortoise with me.

pardon?

So.  I was flushing hot and cold, and The Husband kept saying I was menopausal.  Hmph.  But then a coldy-virus arrived in our home to prove to The husband that I was still well in my prime.  Ha!  Except I wasn’t really that funny when all the congestion blocked up both ears.  I definitely wasn’t laughing when the doctore checked me out and told I have perferated my right eardrum and that It could take up to six weeks to lose this awful pressure in my ears.  It’s times like these when chocolate is the best prescription the patient needs.  It really is a weird feeling, you feel like you’re underwater.  And apparently I’m talking to loud.

Our kitchen walls have colour on them, hurray! I’m looking for some oilcloth for the chairs and the tablecloth, and once the flooring is down everthing will all come together.  With a west facing window we get the afternoon sun and I think it’s going be the place to be.

 

Mosey down memory lane: 2007

WARNING: There are lots of photos in this post!

2007 seems an eternity ago.  I don’t remember much of the first half of the year, that’s possibly due to sleep deprivation.  I don’t have a whole load of pictured from this year on my laptop, I’m sure there are a ton more somewhere because we were a bit photo-happy with Chloe.

 

Apologies for the tone of the pictures – I’m just loving this ’1960s’ tool on picassa and so for now all pictures are having rounded corners and are slightly too warm in colour.

 

Straight after this picture was taken, Chloe fell off the trailer.  Caught it on Video too but it musn’t have been funny enough for Youve Been Framed.

 

 

 

 

 

In the summer we went on holiday with my mum and dad, brother and sister-in-law to spain.  Chloe’s first time on an aeroplane.  I’d heard horror stories of toddlers on aeroplanes., crying and struggling to move around. We needn’t have worried because Chloe was in my arms, fell asleep on take-off and woke up on landing.  Result.  Time for pictures.

 

 

 

 

 

2007 gave us that wonderful holiday (we’ve not had the chance to be on an aeroplane since) but the second half of the year was to be a gruelling journey for us as a family.  Around about the time of that holiday, a couple of months before I think, we felt ready to give Chloe a little brother or sister.  We were a bit taken aback when it didn’t happen straight away like it did with Chloe.  Everyone advises you to be patient when you’re trying to get pregnant.  Statistics tell us that it can take a while.  It has been reported that 20% of women trying to get pregnant will not conceive in the firt year of trying (http://www.gettingpregnant.co.uk/howlongwillittake.htm ).  But all women who have been in this situation know that every month is saturated with hope and then dried out with disappoinment when their ‘monthly visitor’ turns up to tell them it aint happening this time.  But in september there was no monthly visitor bringing bad news, but a plastic stick with two pink lines.  A little apprehensive of being as sick as I had been when pregnant with Chloe, we cautiously allowed ourselves to get excited about turning 3 into 4.  A couple weeks went by and I was a little bemused that there was no nausea.  Then on 31st October, Halloween of all days, I started to bleed.  I remember sitting in the dentist chair that afternoon, my mind a million miles away, hoping that it would all stop so that everything could go back to how it was the day before.  But it didn’t stop and our baby died.  I went up to my parents for a few days because I couldn’t bare being at home, the place where we had been making plans for the baby had been carrying.

I had to cling on to God.  I had so many question weighed down by disappointment that my prayers had no words, they were just waves of admition that I was desperately in need of being carried through this.  I clearly remember the day my mum drove me back down to Lancashire and I called this out to God:

God, I need to know you’ve got me in your hands, I need to know that this is all part of a bigger and better picture.  You gave noah his rainbow, please give me mine.

I wasn’t asking for an actual  rainbow, I was asking for something that would quiet my heart and pick me up again.  So we got into the car and headed back home.  We stopped to get petrol and when my mum was inside paying something in the wing mirror caught my eye.  I turned around to see the most vibrant and complete rainbow I’ve ever seen.  Most of the time I see part of a rainbow but this one, you could see it all from one side right up and over to the other side.  And it hadn’t been raining.  As we drove down the motorway, I promise you this is true, I could see the rainbow in the wing mirrow.  I know it makes no sense because the car was changing direction  throughout the journey.  All I can say is that it was there.  I think I must have fallen asleep and so forgot all about it until we arrived at our house.  I got out the car, stretched my legs, looked up and there between two houses at the end of the road was the rainbow.  I know it seems a bit crazy, scientists might argue it into rational reasoning and some may even say -‘a measly rainbow, so what?’.  But to me I have no doubt in my mind that that rainbow had been an intentional sign of hope for me.  A Vibrant and complete sign of hope.  It wasn’t a promise of a baby or a free pass to guaruanteed happiness, it was reminder to me of the sovereignty of the Lord and gentle care of the Father .  God is so huge he moves way beyond our human level of understanding.  I don’t know why I didn’t get pregnant straight away.  I don’t know why I miscarried.  But God does, and I know that he sees the bigger picture and how he has woven his good plans for me into that picture.  But at the same time, God heard me. He heard my cries and wept along with me.  So as that rainbow followed me around that day, I knew, I mean I really knew that God cares about what goes on in my little life.  I matter to him.  Sometimes we have to choose to believe that and deliberately turn towards him. There’s an old hymn that says this:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things  of earth will grow strangely dim,  

In the light of His glory and  grace

Yes there was still pain, but there was comfort within it.  As it turned out, I became pregnant again very shortly afterwards and there was lots and lots of nausea!

choice.

I’ve been spending a good amount of my days here…

 

I’ve definitely been bitten by the sewing bug. I made another skirt – this time for Chloe.  I went to fleetwood market and made my first fabric purchase.

 

As soon as I saw this seersucker  (no idea why it’s called that. anyone?) I knew Chloe would love it.  Granted, I did make it a little too long because I was over-concerned about making it too short, AND it’s a little see through (I’m going to cut up a pillow case to line it somehow), but I’m still happy with it.  And the major test –     Chloe loved it too. I only bought a meter of the seersucker, and kinda wished I’d bought more.

A chiropractor came over a few days ago and straight away identified a couple of things wrong with my back.  He said it’s all fixable and would like to see major improvement over a coupld of sessions.  Hurray – I was so relieved just to finally have some kind of answer and possible solution.  He warned me that over the next few days I’ll feel like I’ve been kicked by a horse and I woke up yesterday feeling just like that.  I kept checking in the mirror to see if there was bruising because it felt that tender. Today though my back doens’t feel anywhere near as bad and I’ve been warned to do very little.  This is way harder than you think it would be!

Half an hour after the Chiropractor left the post came through the letterbox and amongst the junkmail was a letter from the Pain Management Service.  It was confirming that I’ve been referred by the consultant and letting me know that there would be a 28 WEEK wait until my first appointment.  Yes 28 WEEKS. I just don’t have the words for that.  Actually I do because I emailed my MP about it!  Had I not felt so positive from the chiropractor I would have been in a pretty grim place after reading that letter.

But instead of feeling all narky over the NHS I’ll choose to be positive.  That choice is powerful.

Five on a friday: Five things I’m looking forward to this next week:

*  Guilt-Free Rest (When I’ve struggled with standing I have always felt so guilty and lazy, but rest is what the chiropractor has called for so sitting down now I feel like I’m kind of contributing to my recovery)

*  Having some time with my parents while the girls are at school (They’re coming to help while Rob is away)

*  Starting to see all the decorating coming together, there may even be yellow on the kitchen walls!

*  Having a One-Tree-Hill free mind (this last week I’ve been watching the very last episodes ever online, so I’ve felt a little consumed with the drama.  It’s that same bitter sweet feeling as finishing a good book – you’re sad it’s over but relieved that you can return to reality again!

*  Thinking of creative little ways to celebrate Chloe’s birthday in a couple of weeks.  Time to get planning!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

skirt.

Today is a memorable day.  I, me, all by myself made a skirt.  A real skirt.

(Added later: looking at the blog, the pictures above look totally different colour, I know! That’s how frustrating my camera is without natural light.  It’s like the opposite of a vampire.  So the real colour is somewhere in bewteen the two pictures.)

Credit to a very cool lady called Dana who created what she calls ‘A simple skirt’ (which I think is absolutely hilarious right now – she once made this skirt in something like 20 minutes and it took me at least three hours in total).  This skirt is for Ruby – it’s very much a ‘Ruby’ fabric.  I really wanted it to be done ‘properly’ rather than just ‘making do’.  I took her advice of adding an extra row of stitches above the hem and I like it.  At the end I struggled a little bit but it’s only because I thought there was a quicker route and the quicker route got me in trouble.  Moral of the story – just do as you’re told!

As I was sewing the elastic waistband in I was convinced I’d made it too short but when it was all finished and Ruby put it on – we’ll you see I had nothing to worry about:

cheer up heather steward…..

Easter weekend came and went so fast it made my head spin.  I had all good intentions for it; the month (at least) before I was looking into easter decorations, crafts and other ways to mark the most important weekend in the year as a family.  But then…I don’t even know what the but then is.  One idea was totally not my fault, I needed liquid starch and everywhere only sells starch in an aerasol can. I did finish off my bunting and fel heart garland, but I’ve not taken pictures of them yet.

I needed to go get paint from Wilkinsons in town, which is ok because it has it’s own carpark, so minimal walking.  Then I made the fatal mistake of thinking it might be interesting to just have a tiny look in primark.  I had been in there all of 30 seconds when I remembered why I don’t like shopping in Primark:

1). It is always sooo busy you literally get elbowed out of the way

2). They totally mark down the sizes, and it never feels good to have to buy clothes that have labels on bigger than you’d normally wear.

3).I just can’t shake off this uncomfortable feeling about the backstory of such cheap clothes.

So anyway, it was a stupid call, and I was paying for it afterwards. Ouch.

I made it to church sunday morning and the rest of the weekend was taken up with bits of this and bits of that…

 

 

Don’t you just love the shabby chic look???? Well, at least we have it plastered now and it’ll soon be dry enough to get some pretty paint on those walls.

We took this time to sort out our loft (which of course is the sensible thing to do when the house is already turned upside down from decorating) and I’d had this idea a while (Pinterest needs the credit!) to take pictures of my girls in my wedding dress.  Just a little keep sake for their own wedding days.