WARNING: There are lots of photos in this post!
2007 seems an eternity ago. I don’t remember much of the first half of the year, that’s possibly due to sleep deprivation. I don’t have a whole load of pictured from this year on my laptop, I’m sure there are a ton more somewhere because we were a bit photo-happy with Chloe.
Apologies for the tone of the pictures – I’m just loving this ’1960s’ tool on picassa and so for now all pictures are having rounded corners and are slightly too warm in colour.
Straight after this picture was taken, Chloe fell off the trailer. Caught it on Video too but it musn’t have been funny enough for Youve Been Framed.
In the summer we went on holiday with my mum and dad, brother and sister-in-law to spain. Chloe’s first time on an aeroplane. I’d heard horror stories of toddlers on aeroplanes., crying and struggling to move around. We needn’t have worried because Chloe was in my arms, fell asleep on take-off and woke up on landing. Result. Time for pictures.
2007 gave us that wonderful holiday (we’ve not had the chance to be on an aeroplane since) but the second half of the year was to be a gruelling journey for us as a family. Around about the time of that holiday, a couple of months before I think, we felt ready to give Chloe a little brother or sister. We were a bit taken aback when it didn’t happen straight away like it did with Chloe. Everyone advises you to be patient when you’re trying to get pregnant. Statistics tell us that it can take a while. It has been reported that 20% of women trying to get pregnant will not conceive in the firt year of trying (http://www.gettingpregnant.co.uk/howlongwillittake.htm ). But all women who have been in this situation know that every month is saturated with hope and then dried out with disappoinment when their ‘monthly visitor’ turns up to tell them it aint happening this time. But in september there was no monthly visitor bringing bad news, but a plastic stick with two pink lines. A little apprehensive of being as sick as I had been when pregnant with Chloe, we cautiously allowed ourselves to get excited about turning 3 into 4. A couple weeks went by and I was a little bemused that there was no nausea. Then on 31st October, Halloween of all days, I started to bleed. I remember sitting in the dentist chair that afternoon, my mind a million miles away, hoping that it would all stop so that everything could go back to how it was the day before. But it didn’t stop and our baby died. I went up to my parents for a few days because I couldn’t bare being at home, the place where we had been making plans for the baby had been carrying.
I had to cling on to God. I had so many question weighed down by disappointment that my prayers had no words, they were just waves of admition that I was desperately in need of being carried through this. I clearly remember the day my mum drove me back down to Lancashire and I called this out to God:
God, I need to know you’ve got me in your hands, I need to know that this is all part of a bigger and better picture. You gave noah his rainbow, please give me mine.
I wasn’t asking for an actual rainbow, I was asking for something that would quiet my heart and pick me up again. So we got into the car and headed back home. We stopped to get petrol and when my mum was inside paying something in the wing mirror caught my eye. I turned around to see the most vibrant and complete rainbow I’ve ever seen. Most of the time I see part of a rainbow but this one, you could see it all from one side right up and over to the other side. And it hadn’t been raining. As we drove down the motorway, I promise you this is true, I could see the rainbow in the wing mirrow. I know it makes no sense because the car was changing direction throughout the journey. All I can say is that it was there. I think I must have fallen asleep and so forgot all about it until we arrived at our house. I got out the car, stretched my legs, looked up and there between two houses at the end of the road was the rainbow. I know it seems a bit crazy, scientists might argue it into rational reasoning and some may even say -‘a measly rainbow, so what?’. But to me I have no doubt in my mind that that rainbow had been an intentional sign of hope for me. A Vibrant and complete sign of hope. It wasn’t a promise of a baby or a free pass to guaruanteed happiness, it was reminder to me of the sovereignty of the Lord and gentle care of the Father . God is so huge he moves way beyond our human level of understanding. I don’t know why I didn’t get pregnant straight away. I don’t know why I miscarried. But God does, and I know that he sees the bigger picture and how he has woven his good plans for me into that picture. But at the same time, God heard me. He heard my cries and wept along with me. So as that rainbow followed me around that day, I knew, I mean I really knew that God cares about what goes on in my little life. I matter to him. Sometimes we have to choose to believe that and deliberately turn towards him. There’s an old hymn that says this:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace
Yes there was still pain, but there was comfort within it. As it turned out, I became pregnant again very shortly afterwards and there was lots and lots of nausea!